I feel the need to express myself. I need to vent & let go of all this stress. Hah, i don't even know where to start. Well, things are about to get more personal so hold on.
Warning: This is gonna be REAL long. So if you don't want to hear me 'complain' about all the things that're bothering me, then skip right past this post. As simple as that.
I've been working my ass off in school. I do every single assignment & i give every class 110% of my effort. I've sacrificed sleep in order to succeed. I'm exhausted. I'm so hard on myself, its ridiculous. I've given up my social life & my happiness. Now i'm just wondering if its really gonna be worth it in the end. I don't want to be doing all this for nothing. But at the same time, i can't seem to let loose. Ugh, i'm so confused. I'm sick with a fever because of my lack of sleep & rest. I feel horrible, words can't even describe it. I don't know what to do anymore ..
I've lost contact with so many people that mean the world to me. I've lost that connection with them & i'll admit it, i sure miss it. Haha, all i can do is learn to live without it. I need to force myself to be happy without them. Everyone has changed & theres nothing i can do about it but to accept it. We're all so busy from school, i never get to see them anymore. After all this time apart, i'm starting to doubt our friendship. I'm starting to loose trust in them & i'm unable to be myself around them anymore. Wonderful, not only have i put up a wall with people i dont know but i've managed to put a wall up with my friends. No, not only friends. My bestfriends. The people who once were a major part of my life. The people who once were so significant to me are nothing but strangers now. And it hurts. It hurts a whole lot.
I hate highschool. I hate every bit of it. Yeah, i don't have any drama unlike everyone else but thats only because i've tried to avoid contact with everyone. But hey, it worked haven't it ? Although i'm not happy about having no friends at school, i've avoided a whole bunch of bull shit. And yes, i'm grateful of that.
I dont even know how to describe myself anymore. I'm the girl with a tough act & a bitchy, intimidating appearance but on the inside, i'm insecure, i'm hurt, & i'm a disaster. Yet, somehow at the same time, i'm the girl with a friendly vibe & a sweet, Innocent look but on the inside, i'm a mean bitch. Haha, i know, that makes no sense huh ? I don't know. I'm just so lost & confused. I've lost control of my life & i want it back. I want to laugh, have fun, & enjoy my life. Instead, i find myself always in pain. Crying because i hate living. I guess you'll never understand. No one will ever understand unless they live a day in my shoes. & thats never gonna happen, is it ?
Well, that was pretty depressing. Aha, for those who read this, thanks for taking your time to get to understand a little more about me & what i go through. Okay, back to life. Bye.
There's more to life then to watch other people live it ..
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